Happy New Year!

In case you weren't up all night celebrating, today is the first day of Fiscal Year 2010.

Friday video blag

BBC: Slow motion surfin.

Classified ad: "No asians"

Oil and superbikes don't mix.

Hey Jude, why are so many people singing?

Alice in Trippyland.

Small little equines invade.

Ventrilo harrassment, Duke Nukem-style (language)

Porn screensaver interrupts presentation. (NSFW)

Megan Fox wakes up.

Bang! ... Osakans react to getting shot

That cheered me up.

TheNextTwitter

(via Viral Video Chart)

Helpful rap translation

You are alarmed and begin to feel outraged

The president is using hidden hypnosis in his speeches:

Obama’s techniques are the height of deception and psychological manipulation, remaining hidden because one must understand the science behind the language patterns in order to spot them. This document examines Obama’s speeches word by word, hand gesture by hand gesture, tone, pauses, body language, and proves his use of covert hypnosis intended only for licensed therapists on consenting patients. Obama’s mesmerized, cult-like, grade-school-crush-like worship by millions is not because “Obama is the greatest leader of a generation” who simply hasn’t accomplished anything, who magically “inspires” by giving speeches. Obama is committing perhaps the biggest fraud and deception in American history.

Obama is not just using subliminal messages, but textbook covert hypnosis and neuro-linguistic programming techniques on audiences that are intentionally designed to sideline rational judgment and implant subconscious commands to think he is wonderful and elect him President. Obama is eloquent. However, Obama’s subconscious techniques are shown to elicit powerful emotion from his audience and then transfer those emotions onto him, to sideline rational judgment, and implant hypnotic commands that we are unaware of and can’t even consciously question. The polls are misleading because some of Obama’s commands are designed to be triggered only in the voting booth on November 4th. Obama is immune to logical arguments like Wright, Ayers, shifting every position, character, and inexperience, because hypnosis affects us on an unconscious and emotional level. To many people who see this unaccomplished man’s unnatural and irrational rise to the highest office in the world as suspicious and frightening and to those who welcome it, this document uncovers, explains, and proves the deceptive tactics behind true “Obama Phenomenon” including why younger people are more easily affected.

EXPOSING OBAMA’S DECEPTION MAY BE THE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT DEMOCRACY

My God! If only we had been warned earlier, we could have done something!!

(There are 67 pages to this carefully footnoted document. I'm amazed.)

Obamaptimus Prime

The Artoo subtitles

Episode 2 is just as funny

What are parents for?

Fake gunfire

That cheered me up.

Explaining the hand of God

Heather Mac Donald wants answers:

Will Bill O’Reilly or anyone else who saw the hand of God in the safe landing of US Airways Flight 1549 this January please explain why God chose not to save Continental Connection Flight 3407, which plunged into a house outside of Buffalo last night, killing all 49 people on board and a resident on the ground?

Among the explanations which will not be accepted: “humans cannot possibly fathom God’s mysterious ways.” Oh yes they can, apparently—when something good happens. Having found proof of God’s love in the safe conclusion of US Airways Flight 1549, believers cannot now turn around and claim that God’s ways are veiled just because something disastrous happens. If it’s legitimate to infer beneficence from a happy outcome, it is equally plausible to infer malice or at least indifference from a negative outcome. You can’t pick and choose the actions in which you find God’s will transparent.

Oh yes you can! Here's how it works: Whenever something really good happens, it's because God loves us. And whenever something bad happens it's not because God willed it to happen -- he didn't! -- rather, it's because of sin. It's really that simple.

You may not have heard, but original sin -- both human and angelic kinds (see: the fall of Lucifer, and tree of knowledge in Eden) -- are to blame for all the evil in this world. God is not responsible, he just "allows it". Nevermind that because all have sinned (as well as -- gasp! -- fallen short of the glory of their Creator) that this means we're incapable of not sinning. That's what saviors are for! Jesus will save you, Heather. You just have to believe!. Tithing is optional but highly encouraged, and his priests have been hard at work bringing back indulgences for even more convenience!

So regarding the bad things, Heather, the correct inference is your need to be saved. You need someone to protect you from bad things, and only Jesus is in a vague enough position to do so while not actually taking responsibility for any bad things that happen to people who trust in him. Sometimes his mother Mary will help pick up some slack, but she's usually too busy listening to prayers. Yet since Jesus is definitionally perfect, he's still quite literally the best imaginary friend you'll ever have.

Now about Bill O'Reilly: it's really hard work finding good things to give God credit for in these tough times. So stop hassling the man! Just look at all the cognitive dissonance he already has to deal with:

Two takes

"Pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me."

  ― Sarah Palin

"EX" irony

Wanna bet they should be using it as a noun?

Radley:

“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love!”

—Woody Allen

Towards more equal sexist humor

Remember this pic? Turned up on digg again...



One commenter bickers:

It's not sexism because it's generalizing men as being sleazy. If it was generalizing women as being shallow, greedy cunts THAT would be sexist.

So...another comment:

In the first bubble there should be a $ logo, the rest is very accurate.

It's all going according to plan

Dept. of things I can do without

Via Adam Smith, old jews telling jokes.

We can't afford to be innocent...

They make t-shirts with that.

I'm reminded of the don't worry sir YTMND. (hope your volume isn't up too loud)

Check out more geeky graffiti.  I've seen </bush> on a bridge.

Nominee tax lulz

Shorter O'Reilly

Ten YouTube comments translated into standard English

DelSquacho:

Have you ever read through some of the comments on YouTube and wondered to yourself, "What in the blue fuck are these people talking about?" Does reading page after page of half-assed, grossly-misspelled, heavily-abbreviated 1337 fill you with an inescapable air of dread, as you mourn for the future of mankind? We felt the same way. Therefore, as a public service to regular folks who appreciate lofty grammatical ideas such as punctuation and spelling, we thought we'd translate some of the more outlandish comments into standard English. We should also point out that in many cases, we just had to guess. And no, we didn't make any of them up; they are all pasted verbatim. Seriously. (more)